This week has been a week of struggles – spiritually, emotionally, and physically. God allows certain people into our lives to cause certain pain or joy, with eventually an outcome that may or may not be good.
After many years of counseling and more than a year of deliverance, I thought I was fine. I thought I knew how to walk into a healthy friendship/relationship and be happy. A few things happened this month, a few things happened this week - and this week wrecked me.
Once again, I find myself that little girl who did not have the voice to scream for help when one of her mother's boyfriends pinned her down and fondled her body. Being violated over and over again is like being murdered emotionally every time you think it is safe to look up.
Although this kind of abuse killed my senses; tonight, I find myself angry for allowing my past the leverage to drown my spirit. Tonight, I refuse to stay silent and forced myself to fight back, to look at my interactions with men - Christians and pre-Christians.
After many insane relationships – the kind where you expect a new result from the same behaviors – I have learned that good things take time to cultivate and that it takes about a year or two to establish a new pattern of how I relate to men. Yes, I have hurt men and have been hurt by them.
God is so good because tonight, He has shown me that I no longer am trying to be different; I am different. I see that I can now walk away from a less-than-His-best-for-me-relationship without being totally broken. Instead, I walk away stronger. Most importantly, I now see that relationship is about learning. And real learning comes from commitment to love that person unconditionally, to put in the time and not walk away so easily, to educate myself and using my creativity, and to applying God’s love and truth with everyone I meet.
I was wrecked this week. But because of God, I was wrecked to be better.