The Narrow Road

As I am geared up to start our next Inner Beauty small group, I am brought back to the quote: "A woman's heart should be so lost in Christ that a man needs to seek Him in order to find her."

I confess that my heart is not as lost as it should be. I confess that my hours are filled with worries of work and life. I confess that though I am running to Jesus, I am not yet in His arms.

A friend sent me the below message from Ruth Graham. It is good to want marriage; it’s not good to obsess over it. Jesus is our God, He comes first and then the rest WILL follow. It is good to want a husband/spouse; it is not good to settle for less than God’s best for you. It is good to be passionate; it is not good to let passion control your action.



Ladies, if you are married; God bless you with a rich relationship that is thick of God’s grace and love. If you are single, God bless you with the right man at the right time because the honest truth is: "Love is all a matter of timing. It's no good meeting the right person...too soon or too late." (2046)

Let God’s timing unfold; His timing is perfect.

Anointed for More - Part 1

During my long drive back from Aslan’s Place after a prayer ministry over me and my generational line, my friend and I discussed about the difference between the Deborah anointing and Esther anointing – which of our girl friends have the Deborah anointing and which have the Esther anointing.

I don’t think I have either one. It made me wonder what other Biblical women who were anointed by God. To be anointed is to have God’s power resting upon you. Anointing brings you freedom from any servitude or oppression and allows you to walk in ministry that will bear fruit. Interesting enough, my prayer minister told me that she could see a lot of creative ideas hovering over my head, but I have yet to pull them down and put them in order. I felt God wanted me to study the different anointings and speak to the women at the conference I am putting together on God’s Beauty. [If you have any resources you could share, please let me know. I’d appreciate it very much. Thanks in advance!]

Deborah, in Judges 4, was a prophetess, a judge with the anointing of wisdom, council and discernment. She was also a leader who recognized, nurtured and released the giftings of others. Deborah had the presence of God with her and people were blessed wherever she went by it. She carried a strong spirit of leadership with authority, something you can only possessed from God. She recognized God’s voice and obeyed Him immediately, allowing her to walk in confidence of God. Deborah was in the forefront and helped men to become leaders. Deborah carried the boldness of a warring anointing, a great intercessor for spiritual warfare.

Deborah, I am not.

Esther, in the Book of Esther, was an orphan made queen only because of God’s grace, favor and mercy. Esther saved her people from genocide by coming to the throne of the king uninvited, which was a death sentence for herself. Esther was an intercessor who purified her heart and body before she was allowed in the king’s presence. She spent three days with the Lord in prayer, fasting and soaking. When she went to see the king, she was filled with faith, courage and beauty of holiness. This gave her favor with the king to accomplish God’s plans for His people. Esther had the anointing of intercessory for the people. She worked behind the scene and did not show herself until necessary.

Esther, I am not.

2 Corinthians 1:21,22 states that God anointed us.

21Now it is God who makes both us and you stand firm in Christ. He anointed us,
22set his seal of ownership on us, and put his Spirit in our hearts as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come.

We all have a purpose and when we walk in our anointing, we are free to be fruitful and walk in confidence with how God made us. There won't be any jealousy of someone else's anointing or gifting. There won't be any strife on trying to be who we are not. We would then be able to lift up our fellow sisters in Christ with honor in their giftings.

Joshua 24:15

Have you ever met a person who made you apprehensive of your next date? Who made you terrify of hoping, of knowing he exists because if he leaves, it would hurt too much? Have you ever met a man who took you to the point of forgetting your principle, of feeling placated and enthralled by the sound of traffic horns, the cry of a stranger’s frown, or the gray rainy sky during a winter rush in San Francisco?

That is the kind of relationship we fear. The fear of losing control of our heart makes us think that everything is beautiful until we forget our higher purpose of life.

Song of Songs 3:5
Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.

God consistently teaches me about loving others, loving myself, but most importantly, loving Him. At the verge of falling for a man, I found God nudging me early this morning -before the sun can smile down on earth, before the world shakes off its slumber- He reminds me of my imperfection as I stumble through life:

“Put your focus back on Me, My beloved.”

“Pray for all your thoughts to be captivated by Me, by the Way I think and the Way I feel.”

“Continue to pray for a desperation for Me in your life and heart.”

“Pray for complete purified heart, emotion and action to the point of walking with the command of authority over situations and illness.”

“Pray that I will not be lost in the mists of your thoughts of him and rarely would you visit My Word with your touching eyes.”

God woke me after four hours of sleep. I prayed and repented for not putting Him first this last week. He showed me my mistakes and I love Him more.

More to Life

Once, I heard a godly friend of mine, whom I looked up to, say that her purpose in life was to be married and to have kids. Shock was the only emotion I remember feeling. There are death and sickness in this world. There are poverty and brokenness. Jesus said to go heal the sick and free His people from bondage.

This last week, attending a memorial service, having a friend go through brain surgery for the second time, and watching our nation dying after the Presidential election, passed like a trance before my eyes. There is more to life than being married and having kids. God did not put us on earth to merely be, to merely find our soul mate or to merely have babies. We were put on earth to be a flame as well as a breath to the world.

My heart is burdened for my own generation, for my own friends, for my own family. There is a purpose for everyone. We were no accident. Understand that God’s pursuit of our lives is not to have it scudded into the wind. There is more to life. There is more to us. Put the focus on becoming the salt of the world rather than finding the perfect mate. Pursue God with every being, every heartbeat, every thought and every second. Learn His Word, it will explain His Will and purpose for us.

Yes, there is more to life than marriage and children. There is something bigger and better - God and the obedience to what He wants completed.

Middle Watch

Watching him speak, seeing God’s Light shining through him, creates this disturbance in my heart that engulfs me like it does in the sight of phenomenal people. There is a poem I learned written by a Korean poet in the 16th Century called, “Middle Watch”. It eloquently reflects how I wish the day would last more than 24 hours every time he is by my side.

I will cut out the Middle Watch
of this long midwinter night
and store it away.
Then
when my lover returns
I will take it out and roll it
inch by inch
to lengthen that day.

Middle Watch is between midnight and 8a.m –the time when your community is asleep, when the world seems to stop, when the beauty of your life is hidden away between the hours, the minutes, the seconds.

On the streets, I watched him talk as the sun slowly sets trying to shine with every ounce of its light before forcing us to part for the night.

We Can’t Always Get What We Want

He sat down beside me in the coffee shop near our church. The question he asked left a bitter attitude in my heart. Trying desperately to reply with grace, I said, “Money never motivated me. I don’t want to marry for money. I want a man who is on fire for God. I want to marry a minister or a pastor.”

“But you understand they don’t have money? They can’t buy the things you are use to.”

I wanted to reply: Only a man in love with God will have moments of joy so intense that sickness and devastating issues will seem insignificant in comparison. Money can never solve anything. It can help, but it’s not that important to me. I want a husband, not a bank. I want a lover, not a trophy. I want a relationship, not a competition with my friends on who has more or better materials.

Many secular friends and co-workers tell me that I’m too picky and that "what we want, we can’t always get".

I want the whole world to know that my God is an awesome God! His Kingdom tells me that He will give me my heart’s desire. My desire is to be with a Godly man -with or without money. Stop telling me I should marry a man with money; someone who can support me and take care of me. I can take care of myself and support myself. I know what I want, and I want what I want. Besides, you never know what happiness you might find amongst the poor and abandoned.

Try it! Date someone who loves God rather than money. It will change you... maybe even your life.

You Are Worth 10 Cows

I read this story along time ago in the Reader's Digest. It had such a huge impact on me that I made copies for all my friends and forced them to read it. It was such a revelation that my friend, Amy and I performed it at our 20’s group during one of our yearly Valentine’s Dinner parties.

My motto is that we should love our friends not because they are beautiful, we should love them with the kind of love that makes them beautiful. This story reiterates it perfectly.

This is one of the mandatory articles I make my Inner Beauty small group read. As you can see, Johnny Lingo's wife is still in my heart - it reminds me that Jesus paid more than 10 cows for us. He paid with His Life.


JOHNNY LINGO'S 8-COW WIFE By Patricia McGerr

When I sailed to Kiniwata, an island in the Pacific, I took along a notebook. After I got back it was filled with descriptions of flora and fauna, native customs and costume. But the only note that still interests me is the one that says: "Johnny Lingo gave eight cows to Sarita’s father." And I don’t need to have it in writing. I’m reminded of it every time I see a woman belittling her husband or a wife withering under her husband’s scorn. I want to say to them, "You should know why Johnny Lingo paid eight cows for his wife."

Johnny Lingo wasn’t exactly his name. But that’s what Shenkin, the manager of the guest house on Kiniwata, called him. Shenkin was from Chicago and had a habit of Americanizing the names of the islanders. But Johnny was mentioned by many people in many connections. If I wanted to spend a few days on the neighboring island of Nurabandi, Johnny Lingo would put me up. If I wanted to fish he could show me where the biting was best. If it was pearls I sought, he would bring the best buys. The people of Kiniwata all spoke highly of Johnny Lingo. Yet when they spoke they smiled, and the smiles were slightly mocking.

"Get Johnny Lingo to help you find what you want and let him do the bargaining," advised Shenkin. "Johnny knows how to make a deal." "Johnny Lingo!" A boy seated nearby hooted the name and rocked with laughter. "What goes on?" I demanded. "Everybody tells me to get in touch with Johnny Lingo and then breaks up. Let me in on the joke."

"Oh, the people like to laugh," Shenkin said, shruggingly. "Johnny's the brightest, the strongest young man in the islands, And for his age, the richest." "But if he’s all you say, what is there to laugh about?" "Only one thing. Five months ago, at fall festival, Johnny came to Kiniwata and found himself a wife. He paid her father eight cows!

I knew enough about island customs to be impressed. Two or three cows would buy a fair-to-middling wife, four or five a highly satisfactory one. "Good Lord!" I said, "Eight cows! She must have beauty that takes your breath away." "She’s not ugly," he conceded, and smiled a little. "But the kindest could only call Sarita plain. Sam Karoo, her father, was afraid she’d be left on his hands."

"But then he got eight cows for her? Isn’t that extraordinary?"

"Never been paid before."

"Yet you call Johnny’s wife plain?"

"I said it would be kindness to call her plain. She was skinny. She walked with her shoulders hunched and her head ducked. She was scared of her own shadow."

"Well," I said, "I guess there’s just no accounting for love."

"True enough," agreed the man. "And that’s why the villagers grin when they talk about Johnny. They get special satisfaction from the fact that the sharpest trader in the islands was bested by dull old Sam Karoo."

"But how?"

"No one knows and everyone wonders. All the cousins were urging Sam to ask for three cows and hold out for two until he was sure Johnny’d pay only one. Then Johnny came to Sam Karoo and said, ‘Father of Sarita, I offer eight cows for your daughter.’"

"Eight cows," I murmured. "I’d like to meet this Johnny Lingo." And I wanted fish. I wanted pearls. So the next afternoon I beached my boat at Nurabandi. And I noticed as I asked directions to Johnny’s house that his name brought no sly smile to the lips of his fellow Nurabandians. And when I met the slim, serious young man, when he welcomed me with grace to his home, I was glad that from his own people he had respect unmingled with mockery. We sat in his house and talked. Then he asked, "You come here from Kiniwata?"

"Yes."

"They speak of me on that island?"

"They say there’s nothing I might want they you can’t help me get."

He smiled gently. "My wife is from Kiniwata."

"Yes, I know."

"They speak of her?"

"A little."

"What do they say?"

"Why, just..." The question caught me off balance. "They told me you were married at festival time."

"Nothing more?" The curve of his eyebrows told me he knew there had to be more. "They also say the marriage settlement was eight cows." I paused. "They wonder why."

"They ask that?" His eyes lightened with pleasure. "Everyone in Kiniwata knows about the eight cows?" I nodded. "And in Nurabandi everyone knows it too." His chest expanded with satisfaction. "Always and forever, when they speak of marriage settlements, it will be remembered that Johnny Lingo paid eight cows for Sarita." So that’s the answer, I thought: vanity.

And then I saw her. I watched her enter the room to place flowers on the table. She stood still a moment to smile at the young man beside me. Then she went swiftly out again. She was the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. The lift of her shoulders, the tilt of her chin the sparkle of her eyes all spelled a pride to which no one could deny her the right. I turned back to Johnny Lingo and found him looking at me. "You admire her?" he murmured. "She...she’s glorious. But she’s not Sarita from Kiniwata," I said.

"There’s only one Sarita. Perhaps she does not look the way they say she looked in Kiniwata." "She doesn’t. I heard she was homely. They all make fun of you because you let yourself be cheated by Sam Karoo." "You think eight cows were too many?" A smile slid over his lips.

"No. But how can she be so different?"

"Do you ever think," he asked, "what it must mean to a woman to know that her husband has settled on the lowest price for which she can be bought? And then later, when the women talk, they boast of what their husbands paid for them. One says four cows, another maybe six. How does she feel, the woman who was sold for one or two? This could not happen to my Sarita."

"Then you did this just to make your wife happy?"

"I wanted Sarita to be happy, yes. But I wanted more than that. You say she is different. This is true. Many things can change a woman. Things that happen inside, things that happen outside. But the thing that matters most is what she thinks about herself. In Kiniwata, Sarita believed she was worth nothing. Now she knows she is worth more than any other woman in the islands."

"Then you wanted -"

"I wanted to marry Sarita. I loved her and no other woman."

"But —" I was close to understanding.

"But," he finished softly, "I wanted an eight-cow wife."

Beauty is nothing less than Jesus

God is all about beauty. He is the light, while Satan is the reverse –darkness. We are to worship God in the beauty of holiness. We worship Satan in the beauty of unholiness.

In Matthew 16:17, Peter had a revelation that Jesus is Lord. He doesn’t understand from his own knowledge; the Holy Spirit gave him that revelation. Understanding doesn’t change a life. It doesn’t make you more attractive or more beautiful for understanding the Bible or by understanding what God thinks. A revelation of how God thinks will change a life.

You want to be beautiful? Worship God in Holiness. It is all about the beauty of Holiness. Holiness is beautiful. Unholiness (premarital sex, adultery, cattiness, pornography, gossip, venting, judging others) is ugly. When we do any of the examples above, we are worshipping Satan in his unholiness, we become ugly and no matter how many money we spend on clothes, make-up, shoes, facial products, we will never be beautiful.

Proverbs 20:29 The glory of young men is their strength, gray hair the beauty of the old. Gray hair represents wisdom. Wisdom is beautiful. It means that you know what to do, when to do it, how to do it and YOU DO IT! A fool is ugly. A fool knows what to, when to do it, how to do it but HE DOESN’T DO IT! The only way to follow the wise is to allow the Holy Spirit to guide you and not let the flesh control you.

We have the Holy Spirit in us, but the book of Ephesians tells us that we can grieve and quench the Holy Spirit. We do this by any kind of unholiness. If we want to be beautiful and to stay beautiful, we have to radiate Holiness, to walk, talk, think, breath like Jesus- nothing less than how Jesus would be. Once we are like Christ; we will radiate holiness and that is what makes us beautiful –to God and to man.

This week has been a roller coaster ride for me. My emotion has been up and down spinning without stopping. Weeks like this make me wonder if I truly have Jesus in my heart. The world is in control of my emotions when I know I should allow the Holy Spirit to guide me. The only way to get off this crazy dysfunctional ride is to leave it with God, all of it – the longing, the dreams, the goals. Sometimes, you have to toss away everything and start with nothing. Sometimes, that is the only way to be happy, the only way to be content.

What do you need to throw away?

All I Want

His mother responded to him on the phone, "You can't stop some people, Jones. They come into your life destine to leave it. You can wrap your arms tight around them. The best you can hope to do is slow them down a little 'cause there's no holding on tight enough."

Israel: I try to hold on to the memories, the smell, the touch, the friendships, the hugs, but they all slowly slip away. The only thing that is everlasting is the love of Christ. Your spouse might leave, your children, your family, your friends will, too. But God will never leave you, no matter what you do.

Israel Day 7 – Beauty need only be a Whisper

The last night on-the-town is an event in Old Jerusalem near the Wailing Wall. Sixty years ago, Israel was established. The state of Israel is the headquarter for all Jews to come and be safe – to show that Jewish blood is not cheap anymore.

We sit and applaud as the 60th Anniversary celebration starts. Benny Hinn speaks and brings our spirits high, more in awe with Israel. Rueben Morgan leads us into a night of amazing worship for our well loved Father. After falling madly in love with Jesus all over again, the event ends too soon.















.














In my hotel room, I sleep, smiling and free from worries of my mind, knowing that I met many wonderful on-fire lovers of God. His people are strong and we are growing everyday. And that is the beauty of it all; God whispers to us by bringing His children together.

Israel Day 6 – The World of Yesterday

Yad Vashem Holocaust Museum – killed, murdered, raped, spat on, kicked, stabbed, humiliated, stripped of home and family – 6 million Jews killed and 1.5 million were children.

The Jewish people are poetic. They named Yad Vashem from Isaiah 56:5, a memorial to the Names. So much pain; lives wasted. In the museum, my heart tries to conceal the emotion, I try to be strong, but the tears build up and pour out like an angry storm. As I stand, in this place of stolen lives, watching videos about the survivors, trying hard to hide the sadness and tears collecting on the lenses of my glasses, a woman walks up to me and asks, “Was this video worth watching?” I nod and give her a quick glance. Inside, I want to scream, “What the hell! These are people’s lives! What do you mean was it worth ten minutes of my time to listen to their stories?” A heavy weariness spreads over me. I walk away and sit on a bench to watch a different video. God is good. He sends a familiar face with a calming spirit to sit next to me, allowing my sorrow to rest.

I cry for you and I cry for me too. The Jews are God’s chosen people and the enemy has much to fear, that’s why he tried so hard to get rid of them all. As I type this, I am still filled with sadness.

Israel Day 5 – So much and so little

GodTV gave us a full tour. There was so much to do and so little time.

~Our breath inhales the fact that we are at the same spot where Jesus healed the man who was lame for 38 years – the Pool of Bethesda (House of Mercy). (John 5: 1-12)
~The Garden of Gethsemane where Jesus agonized the night he was betrayed.
~The Western Wall, also known as the Wailing Wall, the most holy place accessible to the Jewish people today. Thousands of people gather daily for prayer. My roommate, Sheryl and our new found friend, Matthew snuck off at night and went to pray among the Jewish people – a great night of adventure with my kindred spirits. The best night ever!
~The Garden Tomb is where I believe Jesus was truly laid after His crucifixion, a powerful visit with God’s presence strong and near. We all communion, pray for one another and praise God with our humble singing.
~The Upper Room, where the Last Supper was held and King David’s tomb.

Israel Day 4 – Drowned in fierce emotions

This day is packed with visits to the Sea of Galilee, Capernaum and the Mount of Beatitudes where Jesus preached His famous ‘Sermon of the Mount’. As I walk through the extraordinary places where Jesus performed His miracles, I yearn and search, with a substantial, voracious thirst, for His touch.

The greatest event of all is being baptized in the Jordan River! This is not just another baptism. As I am submerged into the cool water, the heaviness of the world loosens and my worldly dreams, one by one are discharged into the cleansing stream. The ultimate peace of God and the overwhelming emotion of gratitude envelop me as I hug my roommate, Sheryl. The sweetness of God’s mercy spreads in my heart and stomach.

That night, on Mount Carmel, Kim Clement hosts a sunset concert. This is the place where God answered by fire as Elijah stood against the false prophets of Baal. Kim’s prophetic worship wins over the spiritual battle against the false gods – a perfect ending to a perfect day.

Israel Day 3 – Painter of Time

We wait in line as we watch a tower of Christians in front of us talk with breathless enthusiasm about The Call. This event is unforgettable – Messianic Jews praying for the Fire of the Holy Spirit to reign over Israel, Messianic Jews and Palestinian Christians praying together on stage, blessing each other, the Messianic Jews ask for forgiveness from God for not believing in Jesus! God is the Master Painter of time, space and miracles.

A heavy burden spreads over me when the subject of abortion is dramatically announced by a Christian man name Jaeson Ma. Almost 27 years prior, his mother was about to take his life when she found out she was pregnant. Her boyfriend at the time did not want the baby and called it an accident. By the grace of God, a Christian doctor persuaded her to keep the child. Now, that child, Jaeson Ma, is an instrument for Christ, bringing thousands of souls to Christ with his story. There are 2 million abortions out of 7.5 million people in Israel. The enemy is trying his best to keep God’s people down. The Call is fighting along side God to pull down the gates of hell, leaving us with an attack of optimism –that life can be truly beautiful without all the spiritual warfare.

We sit and worship God from morning until night, waiting for the Holy Spirit to permeate patiently around us and within us.

Israel Day 2 – Clumsy meets Charmed

Some visit Israel to tour the history, to tantalize their intellect, but I find that the true appeal lies in its pure beauty – God’s beauty. Our souls long to revel in all things beautiful, historical and provocative. Jerusalem is an environment of faith, a magical moment of suspended belief. Here, we find an opportunity to apply it, to make a difference.

Walking the Via Dolorosa is a reminder of God’s beauty. His heart is so full of love for us that He willingly took the cross to carry our burdens, our sin, our hatred so that we may live. As I walk through every checkpoint, I cannot help but realize that every breath I take is a stolen breath, every day is a stolen day, every taste.... then at the end where we see the place He was crucified, I am reminded that Jesus died on the cross because He wanted to. He gave up His life because He wanted to. He bought me with His blood because His love is so deep and so wide that He was willing to be humiliated, stripped of His flesh, endured the excruciating pain as they nailed Him on the cross, bled and hung for dead so that I, Miss Clumsy, may be made Charmed.
The exact spot where the soldiers during Jesus' time gambled for His belongings.

I took my shoes off to touch the ground Jesus once walked.



















The stone was where they prepared Jesus for the crucifixcion.



















The rock in the glass case is told to be where the Cross stood.















The candles were burnt around the tomb where they said Jesus was buried.

Israel Day 1 – Kissed by God

There may be no place more heavily blessed with tales than Israel. The Bible stories and places are inextricable that traveling through Jerusalem by foot, taxi or bus as we weaved through road between terraced hills, left us as if in a dazed walk into the Bible as we explore the Holy city. This city of buried history comes alive in yellowish-pink stone along with the overwhelming peace of God and the deep sense that He is risen. To travel is to cross time as well as space. This trip is to enter the Bible stories, traverse time and land on a page that will mark a moment in history for transformation.

Standing on top of the Mount of Olives, I drink in the beautiful scenery, the excitement and the Bible in 3-dimension. Almost 1,800 Christians gather at the tip, over looking the old city of Jerusalem – worshipping God. There are over 33 Nations gathered by GodTV to bless this Holy Land.

My journey starts here in the land of my Father. I will make the laborious climbs and search between every corner to find an understanding suddenly spread out before me, as if kissed by God. My God is an awesome God!

Fact:
~ 3.4 shekels to every dollar
~ 7.3 million people in Israel, half of the population in New York City
~ A Sabbath day journey is equivalent to ¾ of a mile
~ A ride on a camel will cost two dollars to get on and five dollars of get off
~ Jerusalem must be built out of stone. They use limestone from the Mount of Judea



The view of Old Jerusalem from the Mountain of Olives. The gold dome is the Muslum temple on the other side of the East Wall.













1,800 Christians gathering for worship.

















The $7 camel ride. (really, it's only $2)

Dream of Me - Moby

Babe, Oh dream about me
Lie, on the phone to me
Tell me no truth, If it is bad
There’s enough in my life, to make me so sad
Just dream about color fills our lives
Just dream about someone else tonight

Babe, Oh dream about me
On the phone, talking quietly
I wanna be yours, I want you to be mine
Against red skies for all time

So dream about us, when you’re alone
Just dream about how I will let go
Hand. Hand.

Babe, Oh dream about me
Lie, on the phone to me
Tell me no truth, If it is bad
There’s enough in my life, to make me so sad
Just dream about color fills our lives
Just dream about someone else tonight
Just dream about color fills our song
Just dream about how I will let go

Daughters of God

Our job as His daughters is to offer a calm, sincere drink of an enriched heart, a tranquil confidence and an ability to gently influence those around us –to pass on our very best.

This however isn’t always the case. We are also humans. We have flaws and we tend to compare ourselves to the next beautiful Christian woman who catches our crush’s eyes. Yes, the green-eye-devil lurks in the mist and causes us to stumble, to fall, to envy.

We must understand that the bedrock methodology for spiritual warfare is to confess our sins. Unconfessed sins give the enemy legal ground in our lives. Of course, the enemy can’t physically hurt us because we are children of God, but he can still get to us through jealousy. The spirit of jealousy is very powerful. It can harm us because we are making an agreement with the enemy whether it was intentional or not.

When we are jealous of an innocent person or when a person is jealous of us, even when we are walking in righteousness and authority, the devil can still flow through us (or the individual) to bring harm. When we are jealous of someone, we are agreeing that that individual does not deserve the blessings God has for her. We become the channel through which the enemy can pump deadly force into the individual’s life.

The best way to not be jealous is to find our identity in Christ. One secret that a friend of mine told me is to “believe that you are God’s favorite. Don’t look at anyone else. Just look at God and know that you are His favorite daughter.” This will keep you from comparing yourself with others. Knowing God’s love is more than enough to sustain your security in who you are. If someone is jealous of you, protect yourself by praying to God; renounce, reject and command the spirit to jealousy to leave you permanently. Then cover yourself with the Blood of the Lamb. And Thank God for all His blessings and protection.

One last thing, don't forget to meditate on what's good and righteous. Remember, you are a princess of God, so act like one.

The Big Weekend (TBW)

God, in His infinite ways, is good. He never leaves us where He found us. There is a future for us in Christ. (Jeremiah 29:11) The Big Weekend made me think: What legacy will I leave behind if my last day is tomorrow? The most I could pray is that I left moments of laughter, moments of love, moments of acceptance so intense that my moments of weakness are inconsequential in comparison. The certainty is that they are not. Yet, I am reminded that God uses broken people, but we have to be open and obedient to Him. Struggling between obedience and self is a hard battle, but Jesus already won the war.

Our motives will determine our ambition and how much we will accomplish for God. The Big Weekend filled my cup of dream to want more as a daughter of Christ. I want to leave a reputation where my Father God will say, “Well done my good and faithful servant.” I wish to leave a legacy which God used to transform the temporary into the eternal. God placed this desire in my heart.

The Holy Spirit fell more on me and in me during TBW. My heart longs to pursue God with a new passion to seek His will, an eagerness to listen for His voice, a craving to be at His feet. My body weeps knowing that chasing Him and finding Him is the greatest joy. (Jeremiah 29:13)

Reign, reign, reign of the Spirit, fall on us now!

Resistance is Futile

Change is hard, but it is crucial for growth. It might be one of the most difficult things to do, but in order for God to use us fully, we need to make real changes in our life.

Most of my life was about being a patient and supportive girlfriend, daughter, sister to the people I loved who had serious issues: commitment issues, drug issues, control issues. I was the nice girl who fixed and nurtured their broken wings. My willingness to give unconditional love only made them feel obligated to be grateful to my martyred ass, and that caused them to want to hurt me. Have you ever loved so deeply that you would condemn yourself for eternality? No earthly person is worth that kind of pain. In order to take myself out of that coil of suffering, I learned that I needed real change in my heart and in my way of thinking.

First, I had to learn to let go of my past. My past is my mother and the millionth times I failed to please her. It doesn’t matter anymore. What’s important is focusing on the future.
Isaiah 43:18-19
18 "Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.
19 See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert
and streams in the wasteland.

Second, I had to discover my destination. If we don’t know where we are going, we won’t know when we get there. The critical destination is to know who we want to become for God, what lives in our heart, our character, our attitude, our essence.

Third, this is crucial. Take control of our priorities and eliminate destructive distractions. Distractions are those times playing video games, surfing the net to kill time or going to Christian social functions hoping to hook-up with someone. There is power in prioritizing. Spend more time on what really matters and not on what seems urgent at the moment or what feels good for right now.

Fourth, overcome our fears and insecurities. This is a big one. We all have some kind of fear or insecurity, but did you know that fear is a sin? Anything that doesn’t allow us to put faith in the Lord is a sin. Also, these two are the biggest reasons more people never achieve greatness. Face your fears! With God’s help, nothing is impossible.

Fifth, our circle of friends can make or break our dreams. We should surround ourselves with people who will cheer us on, people who love and support us.

Lastly, we need to appreciate the mystery of life. We will never find the answers to all of our questions. Life is not about finding the right answers; it’s about asking the right questions. Ask God the questions and rest in His presence to carry you through.

Change is hard, but we have to if we want to be a success.

Tame me

"But if you tame me, then we shall need each other.
To me, you will be unique in all the world.
To you, I shall be unique in all the world."

-the Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupery

The fox begged the Little Prince to tame her. "To tame is an act too often neglected," said the fox. "It means to establish ties."

In this world of fast pace, quick encounters, speed dating, we forget to slow down and establish a tie with another person. We had a best friend when we were younger; now, we have too many acquaintances that we call “friends”. Amongst this jungle of constant networking, I want to be tamed; but my spirit is too stubborn to allow anyone close enough to touch my mane.

"Please tame me." The fox said as she tilts her head and smiles.

Things to Consider

Life is short, enjoy each moment. If you catch yourself yawning, if you catch yourself ready to jump out the window, or if you want to scream out of boredom. Realize that it’s you who can control your situation.

I used to tell people that I don’t like to waste their time or my time. God showed me that nothing is a waste of time. The movie you are watching, the person you are conversing with, even the smile to a stranger. They all add to the person that you are. You affect the other person and your lives are a story that is interwoven together. In the end, all our stories are just one story.

Destiny might bring you to the path of a new friend. It is up to you to make the most of each moment, each friendship, each thought. My thought for tonight –sometimes love is not all fireworks, it can come quietly and unexpectedly.

Be still

After six months of no fun, no rest, no break, I finally was able to get away from work, from my single bedroom apartment, from the constant questions and demands. The façade of some people’s lives seem easy, perfect. But the truth is, just because something appears a certain way doesn’t mean it can be viewed the same.

This past weekend, with my responsibilities placed aside, the personality I keep dormant pushed its way out. It made people laugh, it pissed people off and it danced all night around other Christian souls. This past weekend, my spirit wept. It wept because it loves the rebellious part of me that takes me on a high and would eventually lead me back to meekness. It wept because the process by which it had to escape the fear of criticism was painful. It wept because from now on, it will fear no more. It wept because it is finally free from the control of others. This past weekend, I learned that my friends and I have been living in two different planets. I occasionally visit theirs, but they never seem to visit mine. And I leave feeling like an outsider.

Yet, this past weekend, among strangers of the same faith, I felt alive and free to be me. This weekend made me all too ready to embrace the workload, the busyness, the pretense. This past weekend, surfing on the snow, it allowed my body to cut through the air so swiftly it grew ponderous, so ponderous that it forced my spirit out of my flesh…. and I loved every moment of it.

Mirror, Mirror

Dove, the facial cleansing beauty product has been sending messages to young girls in their early teens and pre-teens, helping them to realize that magazines should not measure their worth. I had no idea that a nine-year-old could be anorexic or bulimic because the fashion industry is telling them that a size four is too large. At that age, you should be worrying about memorizing your multiplications, not the number on your waistline.

To the ladies who are over twenty-five who are worried about their laugh lines, crow’s feet and are thinking about breast implants or plastic surgery, I want you to know that Satan wants to keep us preoccupied with our looks so we won’t have time to think about God’s glory, thus preventing us from pursuing God’s plans for us.

Ladies, I beg you to listen. We are living in a time that wants us to hate our body. During Moses’ time, the women never hated their bodies. Wherever you turn, you see ads and articles about how to stay younger in 97 steps or how to look more attractive for your man in 25 ways. We are in the world, but not of the world. Don’t let the world control your way of thinking. Let God shape your view of who you are. Look into God’s eyes as your reflection instead of the manmade mirror or a man to reflect your value.

Understand that before the Fall of Man. Things were good. After the Fall, there were two curses placed on us (human). For the women, we will look to the man for our worth. (Genesis 3:16) For the men, they will look to their work for their worth. (Genesis 3:17-19) Now, what’s more important is the curse placed on Satan. There will be hate between Satan and woman. Our children will overtake Satan’s plan and children. “He [our child] shall bruise your head [Satan]” (Genesis 3:15)

I believe this is why Satan uses the media to tell us what is beautiful and valued. He wants to crush us so that we won’t have the strength to defeat him. He wants us to think that we are not worthy of love, that we are not valuable, that our value is only from what the media thinks is valuable, and that we are only worth something if a man thinks we are worth his attention. These lies are from the pit of hell! Don’t listen to Satan. Listen to the one True God. The one God who is perfect in beauty. (Psalm 50:2) Nobody on earth is perfect. And that is what so great about us. God made us unique! We are fearfully and wonderfully made. (Psalm 139:14)

“Hunger for love is more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread.” – Mother Theresa

Ladies, I understand how hard it is to feel loved when you don’t have a father, a boyfriend or a husband to tell you that you are beautiful and that you a worthy of love. Being taller, thinner, blonder, younger, rounder won’t make us anymore beautiful than we already are. You are loved. Greatly! God’s love for you is deep and wide and long. His Love can’t fail us. Everyone else will, but God won’t separate His Love from us. (Romans 8:38-39) You are beautiful the way you are. God does not care about the mere outward beauty. He cares about your heart. (1 Peter 3:3-5) I am not saying that you shouldn’t take care of your body, because your body is a Temple. What I am saying is that you shouldn’t allow others to measure your worth, because you, dear lady, are worth much –enough for a Man to give up His own life to save yours.

Philippians 1:20

20 “For I live in eager expectation and hope that I will never do anything that causes me shame, but that I will always be bold for Christ, as I have been in the past, and that my life will always honor Christ, whether I live or I die.”

Your focus will determine the meaning you attached to whatever that is going on in your life. I had a conversation with a “cultural” Christian man and he said it was very odd of me for talking about Christ all the time. Lilting my head with a puzzled look on my face, I asked, “What? You don’t talk to people about Jesus?” With indignant and disgust, he responded, “No. It’s none of their business.”

I have a “devout” Christian girl friend who told me that she wish she could be more like me. She thinks I talk to strangers about God as if I were talking about the colors of the sky. I was mystified and asked, “You don’t talk about Jesus?” She asked simply, “No, not unless they ask me or if I feel it’s safe to.”

My “atheist” friends told me that even though I talk about religion all the time, they still like hanging out with me because I don’t try to convert them. They correlate my “religious” talk to deep conversation. Though the veracity is that I am just planting seeds in their hearts.

Am I a Jesus freak or a rebel? I love Jesus. He pulled me out of the abyss and poured love on me. How can I not talk about a God who teaches me every day to become a better person? How can I not share my discoveries with people? What I have learned so far is pure gold.

I learn that what you believe is more powerful than what you say. I believe that earth is a place of pain and misery, that when you focus on the Word of God, the will of God, the love of God, you will be invincible. Hurting people need to know that there is something better for them. I don’t think I am a freak –I just love people too much to let them burn in their own flesh.

God speaks through music

I was watching the movie America last night. One of the main characters was this ten-year-old girl who sang the song “Desperado” by The Eagles at her school talent show. Her voice was so beautiful. Listening to her voice was like covering your body in a natural spring of warm melted chocolate.

This song was depressing, yet so lovely and compelling that you can’t stop listening to it even when your heart is drowning in its own blood. The rhythm of the song was slow and haunting to the cells in my body. Her soft innocent voice would cut each vein that connected my heart to my soul as she sang the profound verses: “Desperado, why don’t you come to your senses, you’ve been out riding fences for so long now.”

For the first time, I realized that there is something seriously wrong with the Silicon Valley. There are so many single Christian men and women. I could not listen to this song without aching for our community, “before it’s too late”. One earnest wish is that the Christian community would stop carrying on with our pseudo-relationships. We need to stop hurting each other by pretending to be dating and not take on the responsibilities of dating. This song is warning us that our life style will only leave us “all alone”.

The melody is soft and repetitious, as if it were trying to brainwash all desperados or drill into our heads that we should find a person who loves us to settle down with, “don’t you draw the queen of diamonds, she’ll beat you if she’s able, but the queen of hearts is always your best bet”.

As a friend of mine would remind me, “all that sparkle ain’t gold”. You can have all the money, all the power and all the sex you want, your soul is still empty if you don’t stop and appreciate that person you do have.

Now that I’ve talked the talk, I just need to learn how to walk the walk.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Desperado, why don't you come to your senses,
You've been out ridin fences for so long now,
Oh and you're a hard one,
but I know that you've got your reasons,
The things that are pleasin' you can hurt you somehow.

Don't you draw the Queen of Diamonds boy,
she'll beat you if she's able.
You know the Queen of Hearts is always your best bet.
Now it seems to me some fine things have been laid upon your table,
But you only want the ones you can't get.

Desperado, you ain't gettin no younger,
Your pain and your hunger, they're drivin you home,
And freedom, oh freedom, well that's just some people talkin.
Your prison is walking through this world all alone.

Don't your feet get cold in the wintertime,
The sky won't snow and the sun won't shine,
It's hard to tell the nighttime from the day.
And you're losin all your highs and lows,
Ain't it funny how the feelin goes away?

Desperado, why don't you come to your senses,
Come down from your fences- open the gates.
It may be rainin, but there's a rainbow above you.
You'd better let somebody love you,
LET SOMEBODY LOVE YOU.

You'd better let somebody love you,
before it's too late.

City of Angels

“Some things are true whether you believe it or not”. I love collecting quotes from movies and this one is from the City of Angels. It’s interesting how God allows the angels to look into our world, but they can never enter it. They are works of art, yet they find us fascinating.

On the sixth day, God created Adam and Eve and He said it was very good. (Genesis 1:27-31) Then there was the Fall of Man (Genesis 3). We bring God great joy and great sorrow. Why should He love us so much when we take Him on an emotional roller-coaster ride? Is it just because we belong to Him? Does loving us bring some kind of cadence to His heart? These are questions I would like to ask Jesus. It is hard for me to fathom that anyone would love a person who could bring so much misery into your life. Take that and times it by a billion people. God deals with this everyday, every hour, every minute.

One of my guy friends and I conversed about relationships last night. He asked me if I was willing to take the risk and move forward towards a committed relationship. After being hurt from my last attempt, I don’t know if I have the courage to put my heart on a platter again. Is there an aesthetic to pain? Perhaps not everything needs to be resolved. Perhaps we should allow some uncertainty to exist or else we won’t appreciate the certain. Either way, his question brought a lot of issues to light. He helped me see that I enjoy my time with God right now and that I am more in love with Jesus now than I ever have been. Right now, that’s all that matters to me –my relationship with Father God.

Lullaby

If you know me, you know I love fairy tales. One of my co-workers sent me “The World’s Shortest Fairy Tale!” It goes like this:

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl said "NO!" And the girl lived happily ever-after and went shopping, dancing, camping, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook, did whatever she wanted, never argued, didn't get fat, traveled more, had many friends, didn't save money, and had all the hot water to herself. She went to the theater, never watched sports, never wore lacy lingerie that went up her butt, had high self-esteem, never cried or yelled, felt and looked fabulous in sweat pants and was pleasant all the time. The End!

Fairy tales are morbid. They were originally written for adults. In the original Little Mermaid written by Hans Christian Andersen, she would feel sharp pain at her feet every time she walked or danced. The prince loved to watch her dance and she continued to dance even while she was in pain. Now that’s love for you – torture yourself to please a man. Uggh.

Though the short story above was meant to be humorous, I can totally relate to the bachelorette. I do get all the hot water to myself. I can hang out with whomever and whenever. I am definitely not fat and I get to travel as often as I can.

Understand that the lack of a boyfriend is not what I bereft of; the intimacy with Jesus is what my spirit and soul ache for. It doesn’t matter if I had a boyfriend. Without Jesus, everything is pointless. The most painful and best thing about being on earth has been the understanding of God’s love for the world. He loves us so much that He still went to the cross knowing how much agony and excruciating pain He had to endure. I don’t know if I would dive into a relationship if I knew in advance that it would end badly, that my heart would be ripped out and chopped into pieces. Would you? Jesus did.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
but she'd be a whole lot prettier
if she smiled once in a while
`cause even her smile
looks like a frown
she's seen her share of devils
in this angel town

But, everything's gonna be all right
rockabye, rockabye
everything's gonna be all right
rockabye, rockabye
rockabye – Shawn Mullins

A Piece of Me

Love. There are three great things; faith, hope and love, but the greatest is love. (1 Corinthians 13:13) Love is what Christianity is all about. Without love, life is not worth climbing. Without love, life is not worth living. Without love, life is not worth breathing.

I thought I knew what love meant.

My three favorite spots are the library, the thrift store and the moment when your legs are burning as you pedal that last stretch to the top before your mountain bike glides down the dirt path. The library places a peace in my soul, yet loads me with a deep psychological longing for knowledge and wisdom. The burning pain of accomplishment releases an endorphin, bringing me closer to God through touch and sweat. The thrift store, a junkyard full of invisible treasures for your eyes only, reveals God’s goodness and love.

On an anonymous day, the relationship that took me down the road of turmoil led me into a Discovery Store, a thrift shop that donates all its profits to the Cancer Society. I wanted to pass through time and space, to feel, to look, to touch anything and everything. I did not want to stay home and cry. I wanted to deal actively during the longing of his presence.

In my attempt to escape the pain of our break-up, I rummaged through a table full of knick-knacks of wondrous objects- empty bottles, decapitated doll heads, various hats, drum sticks, used golf balls, first aid kits. Deep in that forest of chaos, I found a pair of rusty keys lying on the old worn table. I love keys. They symbolize power to me. Keys allow you into the next room, the next stage, or the next door. If you have the right key, it can take you to a person’s heart or mind or home.

These keys, both of them, are so beautiful to me. They look old and wise as if they could unlock your soul and free you to love without fear of pain. They are made of some kind of metal that can rust. But that is what I love about them, the different shades of the rust. Sometime, the contrast makes the rust look like specks of gold next to the dark areas. Each key has its own shape and size. It has its own personality and purpose.

The longer key has two prongs sticking out at the bottom of its side with a bend at the end. This tells me it has a big task to open. I associate this key to my mother’s heart. I need a big strong key that will not break on me when I try to open the thick invisible wall between us. I need this key to help me find my way to her nearly empty well of love and affection. I need this key to allow me one drop of her acceptance. The magic of this key will bring me self-esteem and make me see that I am valued. This key will make me feel safe even when I am in the mist of my dangerously selfish mother.

The second key has only one prong stuck out at the end of it. However, this prong is thick and wide. It has to be. It is the key to the one person I cannot get my mind of off. It is the key that I long for to help open his heart. It is the key that will open the titanium cage that seals his heart from knowing how to love. It is the key that will allow his heart to breathe and drink in unconditional love. This key, the key to all my loneliness, my hope, my dream, will also open my own crystal cage. This key will bring in the light and dry out the dampness of my tear filled heart.

I thought these keys were my life, my salvation, but I was wrong. I thought I knew love; I realize I do not. The only key that will bring me faith, hope and true love is the key of Jesus. Jesus is love and Love is Jesus. I thought I loved my ex, but now I know better. There is no greater love than God’s love. No man, no woman, no child, no object will give you the kind of Love God gives you. Now I know. Now I understand. Now.... I can move on.

No Plans for Valentine’s Day.

My friend Al G. sent me an email yesterday, telling me that he wished everyday were Valentine’s Day. “Sure Al. You are the one who is happy in love with your new fiancé.” Me? Yet again, I am without that special someone. There were times when I sold myself on the cheap and ended up with someone who was not God’s best for me. Now, my heart belongs to one Man named Jesus. In the secular world, people call me “extreme” and tell me that I should be a nun. Yeah, right! I am far from Sister Theresa. I might eat, breathe and dream of Jesus, but I still struggle between two worlds, resulting in my singleness at this time.

As I sip my Rooibos tea and try to resist from conforming to the world’s pressure of what is “normal” and what is “odd for God”; I revert to the wall of Jericho. (Joshua 6:1-21)

The wall of Jericho was up to 25 feet high and 20 feet thick. God promised Joshua that He would deliver Jericho into Joshua's hands. Joshua was instructed to march around the wall 6 days with his armed men and on the seventh day, "blast the trumpets, give a loud shout and the city will collapse". God specifically said to not make a noise or cry until the seventh day. Joshua was obedient to the Lord and was granted victory! My daily trials, season of singleness and childhood suffering are equivalent to the wall of Jericho. They feel too massive to conquer, to overcome the desert season, and to see the light of a new day. The fear is that if it continues long enough, all you are is empty. The world begins to beat you down to the point that settling for less is better than having loneliness as your best friend.

But God is my Abba. Like the instructions He gave Joshua, ‘take time to view the situation in a 360-degree. Spend time to walk around the wall to see the cracks, the weak points’. After each analysis, I then take it to the Lord for directions and ask Him to help me see where I can tear down my wall and receive the blessings that God has waiting for me. As the sun always sets, so is God’s goodness.

I have confidence that God will deliver. All in God’s timing. I will receive His full blessings as long as I wait and be obedient to Him whether the secular world accepts me or not.

Another night, another dream, but always Him

As much as I had struggled against the thoughts of Him, as much as I fought it; I still love that first intensity of that primal experience of the unfamiliar Peace and Love.

This story begins with a Holy Man covered with facial hair, causing me to take notice of His unguarded brown eyes.

I dream I was living in those eyes because downtown Palo Alto has become too jaded and cold that His eyes were the only places left to live. It was perfect, actually. He is tall, sovereign and you can see the world in a different perspective, with a pure view of the tasks, the people, the places. The advantage of living in His eyes was the spark of my imagination, exploring the viewpoint from this perfect place –anything is possible.

You fall for people like you fall for places. It is unexplainable. It is irrational, yet you fall. Hard! How you pull through and reinvent yourself allow you to move in time and space as the places, the moments, the Face become rooted in you forever –my personal savior.

Yes, His eyes make me feel like I live with intimacy even when I was starving and couldn’t locate myself. Eventually, I had to leave. The ambiguity of my departure is the reason He still lingers on my fingertip, evoking this thread of writing.