Monday, February 18, 2008

A Piece of Me

Love. There are three great things; faith, hope and love, but the greatest is love. (1 Corinthians 13:13) Love is what Christianity is all about. Without love, life is not worth climbing. Without love, life is not worth living. Without love, life is not worth breathing.

I thought I knew what love meant.

My three favorite spots are the library, the thrift store and the moment when your legs are burning as you pedal that last stretch to the top before your mountain bike glides down the dirt path. The library places a peace in my soul, yet loads me with a deep psychological longing for knowledge and wisdom. The burning pain of accomplishment releases an endorphin, bringing me closer to God through touch and sweat. The thrift store, a junkyard full of invisible treasures for your eyes only, reveals God’s goodness and love.

On an anonymous day, the relationship that took me down the road of turmoil led me into a Discovery Store, a thrift shop that donates all its profits to the Cancer Society. I wanted to pass through time and space, to feel, to look, to touch anything and everything. I did not want to stay home and cry. I wanted to deal actively during the longing of his presence.

In my attempt to escape the pain of our break-up, I rummaged through a table full of knick-knacks of wondrous objects- empty bottles, decapitated doll heads, various hats, drum sticks, used golf balls, first aid kits. Deep in that forest of chaos, I found a pair of rusty keys lying on the old worn table. I love keys. They symbolize power to me. Keys allow you into the next room, the next stage, or the next door. If you have the right key, it can take you to a person’s heart or mind or home.

These keys, both of them, are so beautiful to me. They look old and wise as if they could unlock your soul and free you to love without fear of pain. They are made of some kind of metal that can rust. But that is what I love about them, the different shades of the rust. Sometime, the contrast makes the rust look like specks of gold next to the dark areas. Each key has its own shape and size. It has its own personality and purpose.

The longer key has two prongs sticking out at the bottom of its side with a bend at the end. This tells me it has a big task to open. I associate this key to my mother’s heart. I need a big strong key that will not break on me when I try to open the thick invisible wall between us. I need this key to help me find my way to her nearly empty well of love and affection. I need this key to allow me one drop of her acceptance. The magic of this key will bring me self-esteem and make me see that I am valued. This key will make me feel safe even when I am in the mist of my dangerously selfish mother.

The second key has only one prong stuck out at the end of it. However, this prong is thick and wide. It has to be. It is the key to the one person I cannot get my mind of off. It is the key that I long for to help open his heart. It is the key that will open the titanium cage that seals his heart from knowing how to love. It is the key that will allow his heart to breathe and drink in unconditional love. This key, the key to all my loneliness, my hope, my dream, will also open my own crystal cage. This key will bring in the light and dry out the dampness of my tear filled heart.

I thought these keys were my life, my salvation, but I was wrong. I thought I knew love; I realize I do not. The only key that will bring me faith, hope and true love is the key of Jesus. Jesus is love and Love is Jesus. I thought I loved my ex, but now I know better. There is no greater love than God’s love. No man, no woman, no child, no object will give you the kind of Love God gives you. Now I know. Now I understand. Now.... I can move on.


Anonymous said...

You have nothing to regret or fear, because Love conquers all.... Pain, anguish, hate, dislike, distance, want, war, and disease. Love will win over whatever you bring to the table. Separately, enjoy your present, tomorrow you'll only be older.

Anonymous, from a friend who cares -

Anonymous said...

"My beloved...standeth behind our wall, he looketh forth at the windows, shewing himself through the lattice...Awake, O north wind; and come, thou south; blow upon my garden, that the spices thereof may flow out. Let my beloved come into his garden, and eat his pleasant fruits." You are His garden. But, who is the gardener...perhaps, someone, with a key like your? Hmmmmm.