Waste it on Jesus

A torrent of questions got unleashed when I realized how inexorably mesmerized I was with the statement the co-star in a movie said to the heroine, “I don’t want you to change. I like you the way you are.” I have learned that men marry women hoping that they won’t change, while the women marry the men hoping that they do change. I believe it is important to change for the better, to grow into our best self.

We all have wrestled with our checklist of what we want in a perfect mate, but what kind of list are we? I mean, if someone were to put us on a checklist, what characteristics do we have that would merit us to be on the checklist in the first place?

This got me thinking. What does it mean to be my best for my future husband? What skills, talents, and qualities would I like to bring to the table? What is the best version of me? What do I need to do to be that person?

I realize that I am not good when it comes to dating, but I do know that if the relationship does not push me forward, if it does not push me to be better -to be my best- then it is not worth a relationship at all.

So… I guess… I rather be single than to be in a stale relationship wasting my time spiritually dying instead of wasting my time on Jesus.

The One Jealousy That Isn’t a Sin.

When I think about how Shawn Bolz gets all these radical experiences with God, I get jealous. Or how a fourteen-year-old gets imagines downloaded to her by God, I get jealous. Or how Jason Westerfield can see the spiritual realm like Neo can see the Matrix, I get jealous.

What makes these people so special that they receive the gifts God want for them? Why can I not have that? Why can I not download God messages as easily as logging on to my computer? It makes me jealous that I only sense God 75% of the time. I want 100% of God!

After researching about these people, I found that Shawn spends a lot of time talking to God and having faith that God will show up. The little girl started talking to God at the age of five and has this close relationship with God. Jason! Jason has only been a Christian for 9 years and he is faced down on the floor praying to God every night for hours!

It is all about spending time with God, soaking in His presence, talking to Him and telling Him about your fears and weaknesses; telling Him about your dreams and hopes. God is faithful to give your heart’s desires. He is ready to give us everything He wants for us, we just need to spend time with Him and build a relationship where we can hear and recognize His voice.

Yes, I am jealous of Shawn and Jason’s relationship with God. This jealousy makes me hungry for more of Him. And wanting more of God is never a sin.

Trapped

Trapped between the 4th floor and nowhere. Aloud scream came out of my mouth when my body jolted as the elevator shook, screeched and stopped abruptly. I grabbed the handle bar as my heart raced, my mind wondering if this was it. If the elevator drops, did I do all God placed me on earth to do? Of course, thinking back, falling four floors should not kill me, but what if...?

Sitting in the elevator for an hour gave me time to think about all the mistakes I have made and regretted them. But then, the veracity is that the mistake does not matter to God. All the dumb idiotic choices I have made in my life should not matter to the people who truly care about me. It is what I do, how I act, how I treat others afterwards that matters.

If after the mistake, we decide to keep it to ourselves, try to hide it, it is a terrible thing. Paul Tournier, a Swiss physician and author, once said “Nothing makes us so lonely as our secrets”. Makes me wonder if this is why there are so many people with depression.

I hope to leave this life with more than ‘oh, she was a nice person’. Rather, I want to leave this world known as a person with boldness who tried and failed and tried and failed ten thousand times; a person who did not give up on life, herself or on others; a person who loved so deeply that it would take years to pull herself out of the hole.

We are all trapped in this world until God comes to get us. What legacy do you want to leave?

In To Me You See

God gave me such an amazing experience today. This morning, I woke up feeling fabulous. Not out of my own doing, but out of God’s goodness and grace. Exactly one week ago, December 27, 2008, I had prayer ministry at Aslan’s Place for four hours; cutting off generational curses, ungodly soul ties, and breaking spiritual warfare. My prayer minister told me that I will be tired a lot and that I won’t be myself for a while only because the enemy will attack even harder. Today was exactly seven days since my visit to Hesperia.

The last six days have been hard on me emotionally, spiritually and physically. God closed doors and dreams that only my flesh would want. These past six days were dark and I admit I was definitely not myself – my closest friend even told me! This morning, I felt like a lightning bolt ready for the ride in the sky, causing the atmosphere to shake. I praised God for the renewal energy and outlook in life.

Tonight, at Promised Land, Valerie was worshipping in the front. As I tapped her on the shoulder, she turned to receive her hug. Valerie started giggling and said, “Go over there! It’s too thick for me.”

“Okay.” I said, while thinking, ‘oh, I must be disturbing her worship.’

Jake spoke about how we should seek Intimacy with the Lord. Once we have intimacy with the Lord, He will be able to download all the promises from I Corinthians 2:9-16. Note to self: New Year Resolution is to have true intimacy (in to me you see) with the Lord.

As I walked out at the end of the revival, I gave Valerie a hug. When she held me, she said, “What happened to you?”

“What do you mean?” I asked thinking that she was talking about the Holidays or something.

“When you walked in and gave me a hug, the atmosphere shifted. It was so thick of God’s presence, I could hardly contain it; so I started laughing.”

So I told her about my visit to Aslan’s Place. We both said, “Praise God. He is so good. Thank you, Jesus!”

Amen!

– Oh, I think You’re beautiful. Oh, I think You’re marvelous. Oh, I think You’re wonderful in all Your ways. –

When we pursue Him, He is faithful to bless us.

I am excited that I already have my first "God" experience for this year. Life is good and this year is going to be ooooh sooooo very awesome!

The Narrow Road

As I am geared up to start our next Inner Beauty small group, I am brought back to the quote: "A woman's heart should be so lost in Christ that a man needs to seek Him in order to find her."

I confess that my heart is not as lost as it should be. I confess that my hours are filled with worries of work and life. I confess that though I am running to Jesus, I am not yet in His arms.

A friend sent me the below message from Ruth Graham. It is good to want marriage; it’s not good to obsess over it. Jesus is our God, He comes first and then the rest WILL follow. It is good to want a husband/spouse; it is not good to settle for less than God’s best for you. It is good to be passionate; it is not good to let passion control your action.



Ladies, if you are married; God bless you with a rich relationship that is thick of God’s grace and love. If you are single, God bless you with the right man at the right time because the honest truth is: "Love is all a matter of timing. It's no good meeting the right person...too soon or too late." (2046)

Let God’s timing unfold; His timing is perfect.

Anointed for More - Part 1

During my long drive back from Aslan’s Place after a prayer ministry over me and my generational line, my friend and I discussed about the difference between the Deborah anointing and Esther anointing – which of our girl friends have the Deborah anointing and which have the Esther anointing.

I don’t think I have either one. It made me wonder what other Biblical women who were anointed by God. To be anointed is to have God’s power resting upon you. Anointing brings you freedom from any servitude or oppression and allows you to walk in ministry that will bear fruit. Interesting enough, my prayer minister told me that she could see a lot of creative ideas hovering over my head, but I have yet to pull them down and put them in order. I felt God wanted me to study the different anointings and speak to the women at the conference I am putting together on God’s Beauty. [If you have any resources you could share, please let me know. I’d appreciate it very much. Thanks in advance!]

Deborah, in Judges 4, was a prophetess, a judge with the anointing of wisdom, council and discernment. She was also a leader who recognized, nurtured and released the giftings of others. Deborah had the presence of God with her and people were blessed wherever she went by it. She carried a strong spirit of leadership with authority, something you can only possessed from God. She recognized God’s voice and obeyed Him immediately, allowing her to walk in confidence of God. Deborah was in the forefront and helped men to become leaders. Deborah carried the boldness of a warring anointing, a great intercessor for spiritual warfare.

Deborah, I am not.

Esther, in the Book of Esther, was an orphan made queen only because of God’s grace, favor and mercy. Esther saved her people from genocide by coming to the throne of the king uninvited, which was a death sentence for herself. Esther was an intercessor who purified her heart and body before she was allowed in the king’s presence. She spent three days with the Lord in prayer, fasting and soaking. When she went to see the king, she was filled with faith, courage and beauty of holiness. This gave her favor with the king to accomplish God’s plans for His people. Esther had the anointing of intercessory for the people. She worked behind the scene and did not show herself until necessary.

Esther, I am not.

2 Corinthians 1:21,22 states that God anointed us.

21Now it is God who makes both us and you stand firm in Christ. He anointed us,
22set his seal of ownership on us, and put his Spirit in our hearts as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come.

We all have a purpose and when we walk in our anointing, we are free to be fruitful and walk in confidence with how God made us. There won't be any jealousy of someone else's anointing or gifting. There won't be any strife on trying to be who we are not. We would then be able to lift up our fellow sisters in Christ with honor in their giftings.

Joshua 24:15

Have you ever met a person who made you apprehensive of your next date? Who made you terrify of hoping, of knowing he exists because if he leaves, it would hurt too much? Have you ever met a man who took you to the point of forgetting your principle, of feeling placated and enthralled by the sound of traffic horns, the cry of a stranger’s frown, or the gray rainy sky during a winter rush in San Francisco?

That is the kind of relationship we fear. The fear of losing control of our heart makes us think that everything is beautiful until we forget our higher purpose of life.

Song of Songs 3:5
Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.

God consistently teaches me about loving others, loving myself, but most importantly, loving Him. At the verge of falling for a man, I found God nudging me early this morning -before the sun can smile down on earth, before the world shakes off its slumber- He reminds me of my imperfection as I stumble through life:

“Put your focus back on Me, My beloved.”

“Pray for all your thoughts to be captivated by Me, by the Way I think and the Way I feel.”

“Continue to pray for a desperation for Me in your life and heart.”

“Pray for complete purified heart, emotion and action to the point of walking with the command of authority over situations and illness.”

“Pray that I will not be lost in the mists of your thoughts of him and rarely would you visit My Word with your touching eyes.”

God woke me after four hours of sleep. I prayed and repented for not putting Him first this last week. He showed me my mistakes and I love Him more.